Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
