Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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