I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
