When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
