:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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