But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
