Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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