yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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