From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize