sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
