I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
