i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
