My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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