my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
