I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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