Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
