Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
