The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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