So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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