I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
