I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
