According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
