the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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