There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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