Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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