i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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