you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
