if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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