i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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