you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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