Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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