I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize