i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sorry my hands just texted you
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
