I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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