I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize