I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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