even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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