I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
