I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Never underestimate the power of titties
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
