I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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