I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
