im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
