Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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