the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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