i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
