that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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