so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
