She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
