He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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