There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
