roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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