I'm sorry my penis didn't work
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
