I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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