i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
