im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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