Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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